every now and then, i catch myself wondering what it would be like had i gotten one of those “real jobs” that parents are always talking about. i mean, in all honesty, i went to college for english, decided i wanted to do music instead, transferred to a different school where i changed back to english, and then theater, and then doubled in theater and english, and finally graduated with a degree in english. hell, i even went to graduate school to teach english, but realized i didn’t want to teach, so i went for my ph.d and didn’t get into the program. i took a drawing class once. …got a D. i’ve done every job imaginable that could’ve earned me some cash along the way – retail, childcare, housekeeping, copy editing – and each time i’ve felt like i wasn’t doing something right.

i understand how scary it can be when you don’t know if you’ll survive something, regardless of what it is. i’ve been in some terribly dangerous situations (granted, not as bad as others have) and it’s always terrifying to pick up and reroute your life. but i wholeheartedly believe that everything is survivable.

…if it feels like i’m rambling, i apologize. but in all honesty, this kind of mindset IS a jumble. when you wake up one morning and decide you want to do something even though it’s nothing like that which you expected to be doing on that particular day, your brain shuts down. the world flips ass over teakettle and sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing or how to do it. what’s important is that you’re doing it.

i’ve had people call me a role model. …….that has to be the most gratifying part of this job. people say they go into teaching to mold youth and do right by the next generation. no one admits that they do it because they want summers off or just because they love the subject matter and they want to have a room full of people to talk about it with every day. i do this because i love it. more than anything in the world i love it. i wake up in the morning, get me some coffee, pull out my pens, and i draw. when i paint a clean line it’s intense and i’m so proud of myself. i’m self-taught, in almost everything i know how to do, honestly. i developed a style by realizing the kind of work i wanted to produce, and then performed so much trial-and-error it would make most teachers sick. i set out to make a statement with my art and i congratulate myself, albeit selfishly, but treating myself to… yeah… fresh pens!! …never in a million years would i have imagined that that wasn’t going to be the best part.

there are people out there who think they have to be something. …LIES!! haha lies and propaganda!! you don’t have to be anything. you don’t strive to be a job, a position, a title; you strive to be SOMEONE!! you be you, the real you, and nothing but you.

and this is me being me.

and you guys out there being you? BE PROUD!! but if you think you’re the only ones proud of yourselves, you’re wrong. because you got me over here, being me, being so proud of you, too.